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Frequently Asked Questions
Can adoptive parents really love a baby as much as birth parents?
Yes! Most of us
have loved people we weren’t related to genetically, and adoptive parents
are no exception. Most adoptive parents have been longing for a child for a
very long time. By the time they are chosen by birth parents they are very
ready to love and bond with a baby. Adoptive parents are real parents who
treasure their children.
How do I know if adoption is the right choice for me?
Your reasons are as unique as you are, and a counselor who knows about adoption can help you decide if they're the right ones. It may help you to know some of the reasons other birth parents have given. "I'm not ready to be a parent." "I'm already a single parent." "I can't afford all the things my child will need." "I think my child should grow up with both a mom and a dad." "I want my child to have a stable life." "I have so many other problems-adding the responsibility of a child is too much." "I didn't want an abortion."
What will an adoption cost me?
Adoption expenses should always be paid by the family who adopts your child. In Oregon and Washington, where we are licensed, you can also receive help with pregnancy-related medical and living expenses, such as food, rent, utilities, transportation and medical expenses. Other states may have different rules, so it is important to speak with a local adoption professional.
When do I need to decide about placing my child for adoption?
Adoption is a series of decisions, each with a deeper level of commitment. At the first level—getting information, you have no commitment to anyone. You are simply exploring options, an excellent thing to do. At the next level, choosing an agency and discussing your decision—you have no commitment at all until and unless you accept financial assistance from them. You are still not committed to adoption, but you are committed to working with only the agency helping you. Accepting funds from more than one agency is fraudulent. If for some reason you become unhappy with the agency’s work, you can choose to go elsewhere. You should inform the first agency as soon as possible and arrange for the new agency to reimburse any expenses already paid.
The next
level of commitment comes when you choose a family and meet them if you want
to. It’s important to recognize that when you meet a prospective adoptive
family, their hopes and dreams of becoming parents are involved. It’s unfair
to play around with that. So wait to choose and meet a family until you are
fairly certain that adoption is the right plan for your baby and you.
Your final decision will be after the baby is born and, in Oregon, you sign consents for adoption or, in Washington, the court hearing is held to terminate your parental rights. After these events, your decision for adoption will be final unless fraud or duress can be shown.
How long will I have to change my mind?
Each state has its own laws about whether or not there is a waiting period during which birth parents may change their minds, or “revoke their consent” to the adoption. You need to know what the laws are in the state where you live, or where the baby will be born. If the adoptive parents live in another state, it’s a very good idea to find out what the laws are in that state as well. Here are the laws in the states where we are licensed and practice adoption:
In Oregon, birth mothers may not sign consents for adoption until after your baby is born. Then, they may sign any time your mind is clear and you feel ready to do so. If you're working with an agency, you can change your mind any time before you sign the consents for adoption and the adoptive parents accept physical custody of the child. Once those two things happen, your consent to the adoption is irrevocable--that means it cannot be undone unless fraud or duress can be shown. Birth fathers may sign consents for adoption before the baby is born. Their consent becomes irrevocable at the same time as the birth mother’s do.
In Washington, you may sign consents before or after the baby is born. If you sign before birth, the consents may be presented in court no sooner than 48 hours after the baby is born. If you sign after birth, the consents may be presented in court no sooner than 48 hours after you sign them. When the consents are presented in court, a judge will terminate your parental rights. Once that happens, you may not revoke your consent to the adoption.
Can adoption be undone once it is final?
It’s very important to be sure adoption is the right choice before you give your consent, since once an adoption has been made final, it can be undone only in rare circumstances. Two of these are when fraud or duress can be shown. Fraud means that the adoption agency or the adoptive parents have lied to you or misrepresented themselves in some substantial way. Duress means that a representative of the adoption agency or the adoptive parents have put pressure on you to go ahead with an adoption when you have come to believe it is not the right choice for you. If this has happened, you will probably have to go to court to prove that fraud or duress has occurred and to have the adoption dismissed and the child returned to you.
What is open adoption?
Saying an adoption
is open is like saying a door is open: the question is how far? A closed
adoption means the agency chooses a family; birth and adoptive parents know
almost nothing about one another. An open adoption may include choosing the
family, talking to them on the phone, meeting and getting to know them, or
having them involved in the birth process. After placement, open adoption
may include pictures and letters, phone calls, visits, a relationship that
grows to be like family, or no contact at all. It depends on what you want
and what you and the adoptive parents agree on.
For lots more information about this question, click here.
How do I find the right family?
It's safest if you find them through a licensed adoption agency. Then you'll know the family has been checked out and educated about the needs of birth parents and adopted people, and that your rights will be protected in the adoption process. An agency will also make sure families follow through on the agreements they make with you. You'll choose a family by looking at albums or letters that include pictures and information about the families' backgrounds, lifestyles, and why they want to adopt. When you think you've found the right family, it’s a great idea to meet them or talk to them on the phone to help you be sure. You can continue to get to know them by further meetings, more phone conversations, regular mail or e-mail. Most birth parents say that the more contact they had, the more confident they felt that they had found the right family.
What will I know about the family I choose?
You can see pictures, read about their background and family, learn about their marriage and other children they may have. You can meet them in person or by phone. You can find out what they do for a living, their child care plans, or whatever you'd like to ask. They'll have questions for you too. If you or they don't feel comfortable answering a particular question, that's all right, but it may affect your decision or theirs.
What will the adoptive parents know about me?
You'll fill out a medical and genetic history and papers that say why you're making an adoption plan. You can include a lot of information or a little. You'll sign a release so that the agency can get your medical records for the pregnancy. If you have used drugs or alcohol during your pregnancy, are HIV positive or have a sexually transmitted disease, you should say so in order to be matched with a family that is prepared for any effects. Otherwise, what the family knows is up to you. Most adoptive parents love to have pictures and any family history you'd like to share.
What rights do birth fathers have?
Birth fathers may participate in adoption planning and sign consents for adoption if they wish, no matter what state you live in. Generally, birth fathers have the same rights birth mothers do, but how that plays out will differ from state to state. It’s important to investigate the laws in the state where you live or where the baby will be born, and the state where the adoptive parents live, if it is different from yours.
In Oregon,
if birth parents are not married to one another and the birth father is not
available, not involved or not interested, the adoption can proceed without
him. If birth parents are
married
to one another, he must usually sign consents. If the birth father doesn't
want the adoption and is not married to the birth mother, he must take
certain legal steps to stop it. If this is your situation, you should speak
with an adoption agency or an adoption attorney.
In Washington, if a birth father does not sign consents for adoption, he must be given legal notice that an adoption is planned and that a hearing date has been set. He may appear at that hearing to say why his rights should not be terminated, or if he does not appear, his parental rights will be terminated by the court.
I’m afraid my child will grow up believing I rejected him or her. How can I avoid that?
There are many ways to let your child know that you have always loved him, that you planned adoption for her so she would have a life you weren’t able to provide. One is to write a letter to the child explaining your reasons and give it to the adoptive parents. Another is to send letters, gifts and cards for the child through the years expressing your love, concern and good wishes. Some birth parents choose a fully open adoption, so they spend time with their child and perhaps attend important events in their lives. All these things express love and concern, and show by your actions that you have absolutely not rejected your child.
How can I make sure my child won't be abused or neglected?
Safeguards in adoption include child abuse and police record checks and careful interviews with a social worker in the adoptive parents' home to be sure it is safe and healthy for children. Meeting the family yourself will reassure you as well. If you plan an open adoption you'll see from pictures, letters, phone calls and/or visits how your child is doing. Most important is trust. Choose a family you feel you can trust to take good care of your child after placement, just as they will be trusting you to take good care of him or her before placement.
What can I say to people who disagree with my adoption plan?
First, they need to know that you alone are the one who can make the decision. Even if they disagree, they need to respect your right to decide. After that, you may want to explain your reasons and consider their input if the person is close enough. If they're not close, you can simply say, "Thanks for your advice" and then walk away.
All of us at Adoption Angel wish you the best in the coming weeks and months as you make this important decision.
Reach Deborah at 1-888-331-4040 or by email Deborah and we'll be glad to help you explore whether adoption is the right answer for you.