Adoption myths
People have lots of beliefs about adoption, and once they know you’re considering it, will probably feel the need to share those beliefs with you --whether you want them to or not! Adoption is something people usually feel strongly about, because it’s about the most precious people in our lives, those who most need our help and protection: our children.
Unfortunately, many beliefs about adoption are based on adoption practices and policies that are way out of date. Some are rooted in old-fashioned ideas that should have been abandoned long ago. Others are completely wrong information.
Here are some of the most common myths we hear, along with the real scoop about adoption.
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Myth #1: Adoption = Abandonment
This is the one people believe when they say, “How could you carry a child for nine months and then just give it away?” But adoption is not abandonment. Abandonment means leaving a baby alone in a basket on a street corner, in a car seat in front of a hospital or simply naked in a garbage can.
Here’s the Truth: Adoption means thinking about your options, looking realistically at your situation, and making a plan. It means carefully thinking about what your child will need, then finding a great family who can meet those needs.
Adoption does not mean giving your baby away. That belief disrespects both the child and his or her parents. What is given away? Things. Things we don’t want any more, things that are no good, things we don’t need. A baby is not a thing; a baby is a person—valuable, unique and amazing.
Adoption means making a plan for someone you love to provide the life you want for him or her, whether it’s the opportunity to have a stable life, to have enough food to eat, to grow up with two parents, to have music lessons and participate in sports, to have a college fund, to have her own room or whatever else you dream of. Sometimes it just means providing your child with parents who are at a place in life where they can focus fully on meeting their child’s needs.
Myth #2: Adoption = Rejection
Some people believe that if they plan an adoption, the child will think that he or she was unloved or unwanted.
Here’s the Truth: People who are rejecting a child are much more likely to choose abortion or to let the child be taken away by the state; they are not usually willing to take the time and energy to make an adoption plan.
We’ve worked with a huge number of birth parents who wished with all their hearts that the circumstances of their lives would allow them to parent their children. But, they had the maturity to be realistic and know that parenting at that particular time in their lives and in their situation would not meet the child’s needs. In some cases, parenting also would not meet their own needs or the needs of their other children, as they already had their hands full with other responsibilities. It’s okay –more than that, it’s important—for birth parents to be realistic about their own needs, hopes and dreams, as well as the needs, hopes and dreams of other children they are parenting.
Myth #3: You’ve made your bed, now you must lie in it.
Those who believe this myth seem to think that adoption is the easy way out, a selfish way to avoid responsibility for the choices that led to pregnancy.
Here’s the Truth: Adoption is not the selfish avoidance of responsibility; it’s taking seriously your responsibility as a parent—looking realistically at what your child needs, and at your own resources. It’s realizing you can best provide for your child by choosing adoptive parents. It’s much easier to close your eyes and stay in denial than it is to take steps to put an adoption plan in place. Research shows that the one trait shared by women who chose adoption was emotional maturity leading to selflessness.* That shows that those who choose adoption make a huge sacrifice for their child’s sake.
*Kenney & Associates, 1999
Myth #4: People who place their babies for adoption do it for the money.
One client’s grandpa told her, “If I were you, I’d soak that agency and get as much as I could for the baby.” He seemed to think adoption meant selling her baby, believing that as long as his granddaughter could receive financial assistance, she might as well get as much as possible.
Here’s the truth: No matter where you live, it is illegal to sell your baby! Adoption is not a financial deal; it is a way of providing for your child a permanent, loving home, with stability, resources and opportunities that you cannot provide yourself. While most states allow the agency or adoptive parents to provide financial assistance for your pregnancy-related expenses, the law is clear that you cannot be paid for your child. The fees adoptive parents pay to adoption agencies or attorneys allow them to make sure that the adoption is done legally and in accordance with good social service practices, and that the needs of all parties are met to the best of their abilities.
Myth #5: As time goes on, birth mothers “get over” the adoption and forget the children they placed.
This one really chaps our hide! It goes along with the myth that birth parents are cold, heartless people who give away their babies as if their children were meaningless to them.
Here’s the truth: It is important for a birth parent to give herself time and permission to grieve the loss of her role in her child’s life. Some birth parents set to work on their grieving process as soon as the child is born. Some people have a hard time letting themselves grieve; they may bury their feelings about the baby they placed. But whether they grieve right away or get stuck, we have never yet met a birth parent who forgot the child she placed for adoption.
Sometimes birth parents do forget details about what happened during the process. We all forget details in our lives, even important ones. It can happen because we have locked away painful memories or because we feel uncomfortable about certain events or because certain parts of the story make us feel sad or bad in some way.
Myth #6: Adoptive parents have it easy, especially compared to birth parents.
People who believe this think that adoptive parents appear ready-made and are in this process by choice.
Here’s the truth: Before they come to adoption, almost all adoptive parents have experienced great sadness due to infertility. Some have had many miscarriages. Others are infertile due to serious illnesses or accidents. Some have spent years being treated by specialists with very inventive, invasive processes. All their efforts have resulted in disappointment. Once they decide on adoption, prospective adoptive parents must complete a home study investigation, during which their lives are examined in a way that can once again feel very invasive. Who would welcome the requirement to prove that they could be good parents? And yet they do, because they ache to hold a child in their arms; they long to welcome a child into their family.
Adoption involves loss for adoptive parents, just as it does for birth parents. It’s important for adoptive parents and birth parents both to treat each other with respect, kindness and compassion.
Myth #7: Most birth mothers are teenagers.
Many people believe there is a typical age or situation that leads someone to choose adoption.
Here’s the truth: We have worked with birth mothers as old as 42 and as young as fourteen. Most of them are between about 18 and 25. Many are already parenting one or more children. Some are married. Most are no longer with the baby’s father. Most have important financial needs.
So what is the one single thing that is true of almost every woman or teen who makes an adoption plan for her child? Research shows that it is emotional maturity leading to selflessness. Adoption requires the ability to think about your child’s needs before your own.
Myth #8: Adoption scars children for life.
People may tell you that if you plan adoption for your child, he will never get over it, or that she will always be searching for her “real” parents.
Here’s the truth: There are many, many successful and well-known people who were adopted, as well as many ordinary, everyday people. The research shows that adopted people do very well in life. That doesn’t mean they don’t have certain issues to work out. Adopted people need to know they were and are loved and not rejected. They need to know where they come from and who they are like. It’s good for them to have an understanding of their heritage. These are not scars! They’re just questions to be answered.
As a birth parent, you can help your child deal with these issues in a number of ways. Birth parents choosing a fully open adoption can answer their child’s questions in person or on the phone when the questions arise. Birth parents who are not in direct contact with their child may create a photo album with lots of pictures and some of their family stories. Every birth parent can honor their child by writing a letter explaining their decision on a level the child can understand. We’re glad to help with that if you think you’ll have a hard time figuring out what to say.